Ashley Squires's avatarShitty First Drafts

Ok, so sometimes I’m late to the party.  I just came across this two month old post at Hyperbole and a Half, which hilariously depicts what happens when we try to get our lives together and act like “real adults” (cleaning the house, buying real groceries, going to the bank, etc.), take on way too many responsibilities, start to slip a bit, plummet into a guilt spiral, and wind up indulging in shameful, non-adult habits like surfing the internet at all hours of the night (ahem).

This is a cycle I also tend to go through with my writing.  I’ll have a backlog of projects (blog posts, prospective articles, dissertation chapters, etc.) that I haven’t been able to finish, so I start setting schedules.  Actually, what usually happens first is that I read something like this and feel terrible that I’m not churning out a certain number of pages…

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I Love the Nightlife

I’m on nights again! I haven’t worked this shift in a year, maybe two, and I’d forgotten how good it was.

The work bit…well, I don’t talk about work here. Use your imagination for that part.

But the rest of it is magic. I’m at my best late at night, when everyone sensible is tucked into their beds asleep. The roads on my way home are empty, my street is dark, and I have the run of the house. I’m full of energy at night: something about the dark brings out my best and before you know it I’m cleaning the whole house. I’ve knit a ton, I’ve fleshed out a story, I’ve reworked our budget.

I feel great.

Maybe all those vampire stories had something to them. Maybe it’s not the blood that had those creatures slinking out into the darkness, but the darkness itself that made them thrive. There’s just a different feeling about the world at 3 AM that you can’t find anywhere else. I’ve missed it, but I’m so glad to be back.

Kuchisake Onna: The Slit-Mouth Woman

kuchisake onna

“Kuchisake Onna, also known as The Slit-Mouth Woman, is a scary Japanese urban legend about a disfigured Japanese woman who brandishes a large scissors and preys on children. She has an enormous slit mouth, which extends from ear to ear in a horrible, permanent smile.

The Slit Mouth Woman walks the streets of Japan, wearing a surgical mask and hunting for children. If you cross her path, she will stop you and ask you a question. If you give her the wrong answer, there will be horrible consequences.

Picture the scene. You are walking home from school and your path takes you down a deserted city street. Suddenly, you hear a faint noise coming from the shadows. You glance over and see a beautiful woman standing there. She has long black hair and is wearing a beige trenchcoat. A surgical mask covers the lower half of her face. In Japan, wearing a surgical mask is not uncommon during flu season, to prevent spreading germs.

She steps out of the shadows and blocks your path.

“Am I beautiful?” she asks.

Before you can answer, she tears off her mask, revealing a hideously deformed face. Her huge mouth is sliced from ear to ear and gapes open revealing rows of sharp teeth and a big red disgusting tongue twisting and twirling inside.

“Am I beautiful NOW?” she screams.

Terrified, you struggle to answer her. If you say “No”, she pulls out a huge pair of scissors and kills you immediately, chopping off your head. If you say “Yes”, she takes her scissors and slices your mouth from ear to ear, making you look just like her. If you try to run away, she will hunt you down and kill you, by slicing you in two.

The only way to escape from Kuchisake Onna is to give a non-committal answer. If you say “You look average” or you look normal, she will be confused, giving you just enough time to run away.

There are many rumors about how Kuchisake Onna got her horribly disfigured mouth. Some say that her slit mouth is the result of plastic surgery that went horribly wrong. Others say that she was injured in a terrible car crash. Some even believe she is an escaped mental patient who was so demented that she cut her own mouth apart.

According to one legend, years ago, in Japan, there lived a very beautiful woman who was extremely vain and self-absorbed. Her husband was a very jealous and brutal man and he became convinced that she was cheating on him. In a fit of rage, he took a sword and slit her mouth from ear to ear, screaming “Who will think you’re beautiful now?” She became a vengeful spirit, and began wandering the streets of Japan, wearing a surgical mask to hide her terrible scars.”

kuchis10

(via the Anime Lovers forum; which I came across by accident when I was using Google image search. I swear.)

Dark Side: Seven Repulsive Stories

My first collection of scary tales is now available! Get my first seven short horror stories for a low package price. Contains the stories:

Dump Room
Boogeyman
Screee
Mr Buster’s Bodies
Better Fat Than Dead
Overtime

and my most disturbing story yet, What’s Inside

Yeah. That last one raises some eyebrows.

Resolutions. Or Not.

I’ve been thinking about resolutions all day (which is to say on commercial breaks and while driving to Chapters only to find that THE INTERNET LIED and they weren’t open after all, dammit). I feel like this is a big year, for some reason, Mayan bullshit excepted.

So, some things:

I want to waste less: time, energy, money, mental space taken up by stupid shit that doesn’t matter.

I want to make more: to write and publish more, finish up some knitting projects, and bake every week.

I want to read more: I thought about setting a “goal” number, 52 books this year? 100? but that takes the joy out of reading. So, just more.

I want to strengthen my relationships with the people who matter most to me, and to let go of those who suck the life out of me.

I don’t know if these are resolutions, in the traditional New Year’s sense, because they’re all things I’ve been working on lately anyway. But at the same time, these are all important to me, and sharpening my focus on them only helps me get where I want to be. So, there you have it.

What are your goals this year?

Sniderwriter.com: 2012 in Review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 20,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 5 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Happy New Year, everyone! Be safe.