For The Millionth Time: We Are Not Having Kids

I don’t see why it’s so difficult for people to understand. We’re not having kids. Period.

If you have kids, that’s great. Honestly. I know tone doesn’t always translate well on the internet, and for that I’m sorry, but believe me when I say that if you’ve always wanted children, you should have them. Enjoy them.

I’m not anti-kid. I have two nephews that I love like crazy, and any future nieces and nephews will also be welcomed with open arms and spoiled rotten. But enjoying kids is not the same as wanting your own.

I know most people mean well. They cherish their own kids, and find fulfillment and purpose in raising them. It saddens them that I’m “missing out”. I appreciate the concern.

Where it gets frustrating is when a simple “nope, not for us” goes unheeded. I’m a woman in my thirties. I’ve had lots and lots of time to think this over, and being female I’ve had lots of heavy encouragement to jump on the parent-wagon. I’ve been in a straight relationship for years; it’s not like we couldn’t have tried for kids, had we wanted them. The simple fact is that we’ve made our decision, and prodding us is irritating, not influential.

Flip it for a second: what would it be like if, instead of congratulating you on your pregnancy, I raised an eyebrow and said, “But what if you change your mind?”

I realize parenting is hard work. I know that parents make sacrifices in order to give the best to their children. If bowing out makes me selfish, then so be it. But my life, our life together, is just plain built differently. We have different goals and ambitions, and enjoy spending our time differently. We have different expectations for the future. We find satisfaction and contentment in other places.

If I wouldn’t force my life on you, why force yours on me?

5 thoughts on “For The Millionth Time: We Are Not Having Kids

  • I’m with you on this one, except for a different reason. I wanted them but my life didn’t work out that way, which I have accepted. But I’ve had ‘you don’t know what real responsibility is’ and ‘you’re so lucky to be able to do what you want’ and ‘you’re a very selfish person’ flung at me by supposed friends who have kids that now I’m glad as it seems to make mothers treat non-mothers like scum – I wouldn’t want to end up like that. Thanks for sharing.

    • I’ve gotten “you’ll never know what love is.” That one’s always nice to hear.

      The thing I’ve noticed is that some (not all) parents take the choice my husband and I have made personally, as if it had anything at all to do with them. It’s interesting that I can be genuinely thrilled for someone when they become pregnant, then receive pity or scorn back.

  • I know a number of couples who have chosen not to have kids. Kids just don’t fit in their lives. They like being able to take off and do what they want, when they want. Honestly, I didn’t want kids when I was younger either. I had my life planned out to travel the world and do things that didn’t include kids. My oldest was a shock and suprise along with his two younger sisters. Now that I have my kids, I can’t imagine life without them, but I know how you feel and where you’re coming from because that’s how I once felt too.

    • Thank you for your comment 🙂

      That’s the thing: some people have surprise babies and it turns out they were cut out to be great parents all along. It’s great when that happens.

      My perspective is that having kids because you “should” is not necessarily the path to a happy life (just like getting married because you “should”, becoming a doctor to please your parents…) That’s the wonderful thing about being alive at this time in history: we’re free to make all kinds of choices.

      I’m happy for you that you found joy in having kids after all 🙂

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